Always Hard on Yourself ? 3 Tips to Stop Self-Criticism
Today, I would like to confess my first born, perfectionistic tendencies. I am pretty hard on myself and I bet I am not alone. Recently, when work demands increased, school schedules changed (again), business plans needed to be developed and oh, yeah we got a puppy, I found myself an irritable mess. I was snapping at my family and feeling pretty critical.
You ever feel like you are just a drill sergeant at home and not really fun to be around? Please see me raising my hand.
Turns out the more tired we get, the more critical we become. It goes like this- we are critical of ourselves first, then we are taking it out on everybody else.
I decided to put myself in a timeout and spend some time in God’s word. In His Gracious Love, He led me to these scriptures.
1 John 3: 18-24 MSG
18-20 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.
21-24 And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.
After reading these verses, I realized my debilitating self criticism was not from God. I so needed that jolt out of the shame pit I was living in. Upon further reading, I realized practicing REAL love was the ONLY way to shut down this self-criticism. Real love not just to the puppy and my people but to myself. Berating myself for every snappy, condescending comment was not helping. Sitting in shame for my outbursts about the dishes in the sink (for the 3,456 time) was not helping either.
We have to allow God’s grace to wash over us. We also need to stop trying to do everything so perfectly. Perfection is not realistic - there will be dishes in the sink, especially when your dishwasher has been broken for two months and the part is “backordered” for an eternity.
These verses go on to say “once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God!”. Its almost like if we are living in self criticism, we are not truly free and bold before God. We are unable to stretch out our hands and receive God’s gifts. We allow the shame and self criticism to hold us back from His goodness.
Can self criticism block blessings in our lives? Maybe the blessings are there but our critical mindsets are causing them to be missed. Yikes, this is true for me.
All that shame we are feeling for where we went wrong - its not from God. All that beating yourself up for yelling - its not from God. Frankly, these are from satan to keep us stuck in the bitter cycle of shame and self destruction.
I know you want to live free and bold before God, so what does practicing real love to ourselves look like.
Real Love is saying I am sorry, then letting it go. We make mistakes, they make mistakes, we are humans with imperfect words and actions. Say you are sorry and move on.
Real Love is being honest with what you need. Saying I’ll do it all the time serves no one. It increases bitterness and resentment in you, which will eventually come out as anger and rage. So let’s ask the kids to wash the dishes. We can tell our co-workers we need help with that new project. We can ask someone to help with the kiddos. We show respect and honor to others when we are honest with them.
Real Love is setting healthy boundaries. Guys, do you know Jesus walked away from people that were sick? He did not heal everyone when He was human. He could not do it all even when He was part God. Why in the world do we (with no part God) think we can too? Setting healthy boundaries helps us give our best selves to God’s purposes He has on our lives. He does not call us to everyone and everything. Spend some time prayerfully asking God what priorities He has for you in this season. Then ask Him for courage to let the rest go.
Listen ladies, you are not alone. We do have a very big God that loves us too much to let us sit in this self-criticism. As the verse says, “We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.” (emphasis mine)
We can live deeply and surely in Him. I want that! I need him living in me so I can love others as He does. I pray for each person readign this today that we let go of shame and practice real love. May Gods peace and love fill you up today and everyday.
Love, B
